For when you want to tell your best vagina joke in comfort.

One of the best things about my husband is his inability to be shocked by anything I say, which is both very amusing for me and is also a significant challenge.

Thus, on the first night of one of our most recent vacations, as we were trying to go to sleep, I turned to my husband and whispered gaily, “I’ve got a vagina full of anti-fungal cream, and all’s right with the world!”

Pregnant pause, followed by a sigh.

“There is something wrong with you.”

Hysterical, snorting laughter (mine).

And that was the most enjoyable part of that bed.

Whenever we go on vacation (if you consider taking all of one’s crap to a far-away place to do most of the same daily work much more inconveniently a vacation—and I do), I’m inevitably overjoyed by everything regarding our vacation accommodations, from the weird furniture to the gorgeous view to the cheap silverware to the bathroom in the basement/back of the house that’s perfect for pooping far away from everyone else (much like a dog) . . . until we go to bed on the first night.  I climb into bed and am immediately disappointed.

"That's what she said!"

(Steve Carell as Michael Scott on NBC’s The Office–so no one send me a stern warning letter, although it isn’t MY meme. So there.)

I’m disappointed because the sheets are ALWAYS scratchy, the pillows are always king-sized and flat, and, most horrifically, the mattress—oh, the MATTRESS—is somehow hard and squishy at the same time.  Now, I’m no Oprah.  I don’t buy 2000-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and $200 down pillows and $4000 mattresses.  But, I DO buy 600-thread count sateen cotton sheets and $30-50 feather/down pillows that are soft AND supportive and a wonderful, beautiful, fantastically comfortable 10” memory foam mattress.  The combination makes for a very pleasant sleeping experience.  So, when I go on VACATION and encounter 180-thread count sheets that I wouldn’t make my dogs sleep on (I admit it! I’ve turned into a sheet and towel snob!  So sue me!) and a mattress that causes me to wake up in the morning, hunched over like an arthritic gorilla (they don’t have great posture), I am very disappointed.  After all, I bought our current mattress so that I wouldn’t have to wake up a miserable crone every morning.  At least, no more than usual.

Morning Hair Crone

I don’t know how he resists me in the morning.

So, you may ask, what kind of mattress did I buy?  I’m so happy you asked because I just happen to be prepared to share that information with you.

I had shared on Facebook a few years ago how we desperately needed a new mattress but had no idea of what kind to buy.  A few days later, my cousin, whom I’ll call Shmadrienne, texted me to let me know that she was watching a segment on QVC’s Today’s Special Value, which was the PedicSolutions 10″ Queen Size Memory Foam Mattress.  It was basically their introduction of the QVC version of the memory foam mattress (all the rage at the time), so the deal included easy-pay payments (essentially, five interest-free monthly payments) and free shipping.  Free shipping!  On a mattress!  What??  I took maybe 30 seconds to deliberate and then pulled the trigger.  I often take way too long to decide to buy something, especially if it’s expensive, and then I completely miss out on whatever deal it was I was contemplating and end up spending more money on something I don’t want as much, which is exactly what The Man wants.  Not this time, ladies and gentlemen.  Not this time.

(I looked up “The Man” at urbandictionary.com—“The Man is the head of ‘the establishment,’ put in place to ‘bring us down.’ Though nobody has physically seen ‘the man,’ he is assumed to be a male Caucasian between the ages of 25-40 and is rumored to have a substantial amount of acquired wealth, presumably acquired by exploiting those whom his ‘establishment’ is ‘keeping down.’”  So, suck on that, Establishment. We know all about you now, thanks to the inspired contributors of Urban Dictionary, and you won’t be sticking it to us on our mattresses, anymore.)

"That's what she said!"

And here it is:

PedicSolutions 10" Queen Size Memory Foam Mattress

PedicSolutions 10″ Queen Size Memory Foam Mattress

As you might surmise from the picture below, it is very easy to get a crappy night’s sleep in our bed.

Pile of Cats

Our little rescued darlings.

Four years ago, stray cats started having litters of kittens in our backyard shed, and we started bringing them inside to tame them and find homes for them.  However, since we also had dogs, including a Basset Hound puppy, and a baby, we had to bring the kittens inside in such a way that they didn’t disrupt the rest of the household, which meant keeping them in our bedroom all of the time at first and then just at night (the cats we ended up keeping, that is).  If you’ve never shared your queen-sized bed with up to nine cats and a cursing husband, then you haven’t lived a life that I can understand.

:loud whisper yells: “God damn it, what are they doing NOW?”

:confused mumbling:  “Huh?  I was asleep.”

:loud whisper yell, escalated: “They are going f*&king crazy.  Turn on the light!”

:irritated mumbling: “No.  UMPHG.  OHMYGOD.  A cat just landed on my uterus.”

(I’m the mumbler.  Terry doesn’t have a uterus that we know of, although his lackluster response to my vagina joke might indicate otherwise.)

So, as you might imagine, a good night’s sleep sometimes eludes us, but the situation was considerably worse before we got our PedicSolutions mattress.  I’d wake up every morning and hunch around the house for an hour before I’d finally loosen up and stand up straight.

Our mattress arrived via UPS, rolled up in a box, and I was like, “I’ve been tricked by the black magic of hyper-consumerism,” and Terry was like, “Hey, cool!”  We unrolled our mattress, as per the instructions, and ignored the chemically smell, as per the instructions (which I had no problem with—I quite enjoy chemicals, especially if they aid in my slumber) and set it up on top of our existing box springs.

And then I laid down on it, and I was immediately transported to heaven.  On a memory foam mattress, one does not bounce onto the mattress or sink immediately down into fluffiness. No—the mattress very gradually envelops one’s body in a whisper-soft embrace, soothing one’s bruised, cat-scratched limbs and cradling one’s back ever-so-gently, almost like it understands how it feels to have a uterus landed upon from a great distance by a 13-lb. cat.

We’ve had our PedicSolutions mattress for three years now, and I still love it as much as I did the day it arrived.  However, it doesn’t resist body impressions very well, and judging by some of the reviews, that really pisses people off.  The newer versions available at QVC might, but ours is one of the originals.  So, our mattress has a perfect Missy-shaped hollow and a perfect Terry-shaped hollow.  You can turn them around but not over, which we tried to do, but doing so resulted in me tossing and turning all night because I was trying to sleep in the upside-down Terry hollow.  Honestly, though, if a person stays in her own hollow, it never (so far, anyway) becomes uncomfortable, so there’s no real need to turn or flip it.  I love my hollow. Nay, I cherish it.

So, the moral of the story is two-fold:  The PedicSolutions mattresses available from QVC rock, and you should always protect your vital organs in bed.

"That's what she said!"

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One thought on “For when you want to tell your best vagina joke in comfort.

  1. Pingback: For when you don’t want to murder anyone on Mother’s Day. | Reviews of a super-consumer

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