For when you want to exercise without falling off the toilet.

Lately, I’ve been a little hard on myself regarding what I want to do on a daily basis and what I actually get done.  A week or two ago, I actually caught myself thinking, “Why didn’t I put that load of clothes in the dryer last night?  I’m so stupid.”  And then I immediately thought, “NO. NOOOOOOOO—I will not be that woman, especially over laundry” (which is the bane of human existence, second only to canned apples). So I signed up for my second-half marathon at the end of September, which is forcing me to train 3-4 times per week, which automatically makes me feel better on a daily basis because I don’t have that lurking guilt in the back of my head regarding my lack of exercise.  That sort of structure helps me to feel better, in general, and more accepting of the things I don’t always get done during the course of a day.  Like brushing my hair.

“Tomorrow, I will buy wrinkle-releaser and an eyeliner sharpener and new shoes! I will straighten my hair!  I will shower!  I will buy new shampoo!  I will polish my toenails instead of waiting six months for my current polish to wear off!  I will wear pants with waistbands every day and won’t wait until noon to put them on!  I will buy new underwear that doesn’t have holes!  I will find all of my missing socks!

I will get my shit together!

I had all of these thoughts Tuesday in quick succession as I got off the treadmill to take a potty break. (I am aware that I just used the phrase “potty break,” but, if you imagine that I said it in a British accent, it will sound more sophisticated, like a princess is saying it while sitting on the toilet.)  I get to feeling very aggressive and endorphin-y when I’m running/walking on the treadmill, probably because it tricks my body into thinking that I’m running away and won’t have to deal with this:

Impressive Pile of Clean Laundry

Ignore the three-legged cat and focus, instead, on the impressive pile of clean laundry.

You thought I was exaggerating, didn’t you?  Never overstate laundry-related problems because laundry doesn’t need any help being a royal pain in our collective ass.

(By the way, our collective ass looks great in these jeans today.  High five!)

So, I was feeling aggressive and productive and, perhaps, a bit invincible, as I considered all of the ways in which I’d improve myself in the coming days.  I was going to do it!  I was going to be my best self!

And then I fell off the toilet.

You know those women who complain about how they have to work out for an hour at the most intense level before they break out into any kind of sweat?  I’m not one of those women.  My body responds enthusiastically to exercise of any kind, so I get very athletic-looking and slick when I’m on the treadmill. And that includes my forearms and my calves.  And my butt.

How does one’s butt get so slippery that she falls off the toilet, you ask?  ‘Tis the wonder of modern workout wear, which does not absorb moisture but, instead, sort of wicks sweat off one’s skin but also sort of keeps it on one’s skin for cooling purposes.  I don’t know how it works; I only know that it usually involves polyester.

Last spring, when I was training for my first half-marathon, it took me a few tries to find “active” shirts that didn’t have any Spandex in them.  I feel like I need to clarify this following point for the entire world but also, specifically, for the neighbors across the street:  unless you have a perfect body, your shirts should not contain Spandex. Ever.  Don’t do it.  Because, one day, after you finish your workout, you’ll sit down on the floor to stretch and then make the mistake of looking down at your stomach while you’re trying to reach your toes, and it will look like a sausage packed into a bright blue casing.

Because I like a deal, I always check 6pm.com (the Zappos overstock site) for activewear and shoes first, and I happened to discover the Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee, which is mostly polyester but also a little bit of cotton—and no Spandex!

Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee

Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee

Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee

Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee, worn by normal woman

Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee

Adidas Women’s Ultimate Short Sleeve V-Neck Tee, worn by woman who thinks she’s going to a nightclub

These shirts are SO FANTASTIC.  The tiny bit of cotton helps them to actually feel like cotton instead of weird, shiny polyester, and the fit is slightly relaxed, which I greatly prefer.  If I wanted to enter a muffin top contest, I would bake actual muffin tops.  Nobody needs to be exposed to my weird, post-baby, post-weight loss spare tire/extra skin.  It’s impressive and delicious-looking (highly prized by cannibals, which is why I distract them with pie), but it’s not beautiful.

My Adidas Ultimate tees are, by far, my favorite pieces of workout wear.  I now own three of them. Even though they contain cotton, they don’t absorb perspiration, which means they do a good job of keeping me cool.  LOVE.  I love them.

Missy, wearing Adidas Ultimate Tee

Giving Teddy a hug, post-13.1 miles, wearing my very first Adidas Ultimate Tee

I also found my now-beloved Moving Comfort Strider Short with 7” inseam at 6pm.com.

Moving Comfort Strider Shorts

Moving Comfort Strider Shorts. These aren’t my legs. I don’t have bulging calf muscles.

The 7” inseam is important because I’m almost six feet tall and have an extremely short waist, which means that it’s way too easy for me to wear shorts that showcase my vagina.  I’m not usually in the mood to show off my vagina in public; it doesn’t have a special haircut, and it isn’t bedazzled. It’s not a stand-up comedian vagina; it’s a librarian vagina.

I can’t tell you how much I love these shorts—they have deep pockets (handy for carrying cell phones and lip gloss and anything else you might need while exercising outside of the home), a soft elastic waist with inner drawstring (necessary for keeping one’s shorts up while running, at least when one has a 1:1 hip-to-waist ratio), and, most importantly, no weird, sewn-in brief.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want anything making its way up my butt at any point, really, but especially while I’m on the treadmill.

Unfortunately, the Strider shorts don’t appear to be available at many places this year, but they are offering an updated Work It Short.

Moving Comfort Work It Shorts

Moving Comfort Work It Shorts

Same inseam, same pockets . . . but they have the liner brief.  Meh. None of the reviewers mention the brief being annoying, though, so maybe I’ll be willing to try them.  If only they came with some sort of butt armor.

Regardless of your exercise goals or laundry goals or work goals or showering goals, I hope that you, too, figure out a way to help yourself feel more positive on a daily basis. The whole point of “technical” clothing is to keep one’s skin slick during exercise, as it aids greatly in staying cool, but please remember to love yourself as you are today, no matter what your goals or perceived shortcomings, to be safe when working out, and to always protect your butt.

"That's what he said!"

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